The Worst Metal Detecting Advice You Will Ever Get

8 Feb

Hey there boys and girls!

Do you want a hobby that’s not only hugely entertaining but also hugely profitable? Look no more! Metal detecting is for you!

I am a seasoned metal detectorist and I am here to tell you the ONLY way to achieve success in this wonderful hobby.

Follow my simple advice and you too will soon be swimming in a pool filled with gold rings and silver coins.


Go out and buy the most expensive metal detector out there. Don’t worry a bit about researching it since we all know that if it is expensive, it must be the best. Whatever you do, don’t waste your time trying to figure out what kind of hunting you will be doing. No no no. Just go to the first Mega Metal Detecting web site and buy the most expensive thing you find there. These folks REALLY care about you and they would not put these machines in there if they didn’t have your best interests at heart.


Take the machine out of the box and start swinging! Don’t read the manual! Reading is for suckers. Don’t invest one second of your precious time learning the features of your machine. If you don’t find a gold ring or a Capped Bust silver coin right away then you didn’t spend enough money on equipment! I mean, failure in this hobby is NEVER your fault but rather it is the fault of those lazy, dumb engineers who don’t know a gold signal from a pull tab in the ground.


Avoid making any kind of effort. Don’t research and most certainly, don’t spend more than 15 minutes a week detecting. If you followed my advice in step one, you should only have to hunt for 15 minutes once a week to fill your pockets with loot. Avoiding effort includes having to dig a hole deeper than two inches. Come on, digging deep holes is just plain ridiculous! Who wants to dig deep when there are plenty of goodies in the first two inches of soil?


If you fail to find anything of value by this point, then you must resort to the ultimate in metal detecting and buy one of those directional doo-hickies that work on the basis of ultra-dimensional- energy-waves. Sure, they cost upwards of $3000 but the folks at the Mega Metal Detecting Store wouldn’t be selling them if they didn’t work, right?


If all else fails, then you are ready to receive my patented, super secret maps drawn with a magic pencil that was infused with rare earth metals by the ancient Celts. It came to me via my ancestors and it is a closely guarded secret in this hobby. For only 19 easy payments of $249.99 U.S., I will send you a map of the park of your choice with clearly marked X’s where the loot should be. The stuff is guaranteed to be there provided you don’t block the power of the map with negative thoughts and by having oxygen in your lungs.

There you go. Happy Hunting!

****If you haven’t yet figured out this is a spoof, then let me tell you this post was inspired by two posts out in the interwebs: One by Benny The Irish Polyglot and the other by NerdFitness.****


6 Responses to “The Worst Metal Detecting Advice You Will Ever Get”

  1. David Springs February 8, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

    I ran out of money at step 4. Followed 1 through 3 pretty well, though!

    • yaquigrande February 11, 2013 at 8:53 am #


      You are well on your way to Metal Detecting Super Stud status!

  2. lawdog1 February 8, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

    Where do I send my first installment? Do you take PayPal payments?

    • yaquigrande February 11, 2013 at 8:52 am #

      Lawdog, I also accept payment in cookies and brownies šŸ™‚

  3. Greg February 10, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Heh…there you are talking about me again!!!….seriously thou….I think I finally found my “dream” machine….and yes I know I had one before but to be fair I think it had a bad coil and I didn’t realize it until after I sold it…F75 Ltd….got it Friday been out twice and already found more than I did in 3 months with the explorer…later

    • yaquigrande February 11, 2013 at 8:51 am #

      Greg, I often recommend the F75 to people based on the results I see posted on the Internet. I remember how light it was from when you had the other one. I think the F75 is one of those well kept secrets on this hobby. I think it should have sold way more than it has. I am glad you’re kicking butt with it.

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